roots

When i first met you
There were no impossibilities, you said
Your answer to my questions
Was a single i like you.
And with that you unknowingly
Doused years of unbelieving
And all the voices in my head grew quiet.

For love to be love
Must we always count heartbeats?
For i have been childish
And driven you up walls
For not remembering the words we shared.
But now we share heartbeats
And something so beautiful
I believe that is what they mean
When they say your love has roots.

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kutty dreams

How often have you wanted the madness to last forever? To forever be crazy and silly. Sadly, it doesn't last forever. Sooner or later, you have to grow up. For some, it is responsibility and a job. For some, marriage. And then, for some, it is having a child.

Yes, being a parent changes it all. So i've heard. And in the last month and a half, i've learnt quite some things too.

When i think of it, i realize i must give up my madness and my fantasies. Must bequeath it to him. It's his turn now. To ride the wind. Dream up stories that range from cheesy to soulful. Chase butterflies in green meadows. Explore dark woody trails.

I have to change roles, become the responsible mom. There are a hundred voices waiting to tell me i'm doing it all wrong. Of course.

I could turn out to be the worst parent ever, but i don't want to be all this. I'd rather ride the wave with him. Rather do all the things i've always hesitated to. I mean, i'm still gonna be the worrywart mom, but i want to be part of his stories, his laughter.

Being a parent really is making the decision to let your heart go walking out of your body..

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It is that all consuming feeling of first sight. Or that which grows within you as you share sunlit evenings and dreams. It is sometimes that sneaky feeling that takes you by surprise, as after months or years of having been together, something as innocuous as a song or a look makes you realize it's been in you all along.

I am made of words. Of random lines in books and songs. Of bits of music that haunt me as i lay sleepless on moonlit nights that court my windows. And so, for me, it is as elemental as poetry. I've always disagreed with people who've said poetry is rhythm and meter. For me poetry is words put together so mellifluously it holds my soul captive. I do not really have to understand it, because i feel it deep within. And like princesses of yore, i find my dragons and castles and unicorns and delight in the adventures. I don't really know why, but my heart skips a beat everytime i come across the words. The lines are forever etched in my soul, and i alone know the smiles, and tears, and dreams and trials that it evokes. As they say, the greatest poetry is born out of the deepest tremors of the soul. It is a secret fiesta, mine alone.

And that defines love, the way i feel it coursing through me.

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The Tale of Despereaux

Despereaux had no idea he was small...he was small, even for a mouse. He didn't even notice. In fact, in his own mind, Despereaux was a giant.

I want to read this story again, watch the movie once more. In my opinion, this is the most beautiful fairy tale ever written. Every line. Something every child should read. The movie is equally beautiful.

 

 

I hope you know..

I grieve you, in odd moments that take me by surprise. It's just been a while since you left us and went your way. A month ago, i told Shyam i'd never get over this, that i'd grieve you forever. But i've realized that i can't do it. You are the reason i am me. Not the sniffly, art loving dreamer... that i owe to mom..but the book reading, literary reference quoting, brooding person who is stubborn as hell.

I do not grieve in the conventional sense. For i find myself learning to deal with death while waiting for life to overwhelm me. I miss you terribly, more for the grandchild you'll never play with. I started out with anger, but then i have known life to be unfair before. This is the deepest i've been hurt so far.

I'm past that phase where i feel emotionally numb. I remember you and all the stories you have given me, without regret, at times. I sometimes wish i could go back in time, i wish i had spent some more time with you, wish we'd fought less and laughed more. Wishes apart, i cherish everything you've gifted me. You've been there for me. For every single thing. I know now, what it takes to be a parent. What it means to care so much that you fight for your kids to have everything you couldn't. You've given me the freedom to choose the life i wanted to live, you've been there to support me in all my decisions. You've given me the courage to face the world, live life on my terms. Without having to worry what others thought. When everyone advised me against my choice of degree and career, you were the only one who told me that i could be whatever i wanted to as long as i knew i'd be good at it. I hope to be that kind of parent.

We miss you. Those moments especially, when we'd tease you and you'd pretend to be angry, while trying your best not to laugh. Your letters, and that poem you wrote me when i hadn't yet learnt to read. Our love of Potter. Our fights over my idea of marriage. It took you seven years to convince me, and you were ready to wait. That and a hundred silly things. I hope you knew what you are for me. The best dad ever.

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“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will
never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler

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Momentous

I wonder how you're gonna be. All these months, I've been so preoccupied with family and other soul-sucking issues...you've been an abstraction so long. But now, over the months, you've made your presence felt. You've let me know that yes, you are a part of me, undeniably. And though I've always been open to this idea, trust me, I wasn't ready for this. These moodswings that leave me exhilarated one moment, and tired and depressed the next. I thought love was everything stormlike. You are more than that, I realize. You are us, and love, and everything magical.

There's nothing on earth so beautiful, so heart constricting, nothing that's reached out so deep into my soul. Other than him. But the fact that you are me and him put together, it makes me warm and fuzzy. I'm supposed to think good, say good, do good. And though I am being unfair to you, you understand right, that I've been at my worst these last few months. Who would know better than you? Do you mind? I hope not. And I certainly hope you do not take after me. I wouldn't want that. Well, maybe just a little bit.

I hope you're like him, innocence and worldliness combined. Innocent and childlike when happy, and insufferably right at all other times. That hurt look on his face when I say something caustic, i must admit, i find it adorable. He pretends to be all insensitive, but doesn't realize that all the times he takes his mask off, I'm around. It does warm my heart, to love someone so sweet. And then there's that zeal, to know more and be more. That enthusiasm when I, to my consternation, unwittingly get him started on some documentary about cannibals, or some other random topic. All I can do is be thankful, that I'm with someone who knows what he's talking about. Whatever the topic. His ambition and his love of all things artistic and soulful.

I love it that him and me, we connect on some level that neither of us has been able to figure out. That inexplicable feeling that's kept my soul singing, all this while. Nothing makes my day like him coming home to me. That something makes me sure that you be like him.

Most of all, I hope you inherit that goodness that lies beyond the mask of cynicism. That innate goodness that shines through, in all his tales about childhood, and dreams, and sometimes, disappointment.

I hope you receive as inheritance, a little bit of goodness, from both sisters too. His and mine. Mine for being what she is to me, for being my rock when I've lost faith. For being more than what a brother could be. His sister, for her strength and kindness, for the kind of person she is.

I know I want you to have my best friend's optimism, my mom's heart, a little bit of craziness like my uncles, or my goddaughter's smartness. I want all that and so much more.

Lastly, I want you to have my wide-eyed wonder and love of everything around. I want you to laugh at silly dogs, and mimic cats and donkeys. I want you to be naive. Maybe, not as naive as I was, growing up. I'm no longer sure of the world, but i want you to be so. I want you to take it on with courage I never had. I want you to be able to not just think the right thing, but also do it, and mostly be able to take care of yourself. No matter where you go or who you be, i want you to remain yourself and not be one of those kids who grow up too fast for their own good. I want you to be a child as long as you can.

Maybe, you'll be none of this....maybe some..no matter what, you do know right, that you already have an inheritance greater than all of this...