November 22, 2011

feeling right

Why do we build walls? Drive people away? Just let things slide? There comes a point in life where you know you don't need anyone any longer. You've become so jaded, the only person you trust is you. Even those closest to you form just the outer circle. It's safe right, being by your own! Kind of liberating. There's this weird headiness cynicism brings along. I've inherited it, bit by bit, from parents who wanted me to be independent, from friends who left. Abandonment issues, but all that changed after i learnt to shut people out. And that's precisely when everyone said i've changed. Arrogance, more often than not, is a mask. And sometimes, you just don't want to take the mask off.

So, i've been there, tried that. It works. It's awesome. Could've made it a way of life. But not when i know i deserve more. Hell yes! (Swearing used to be on my taboo list. Mean to post that ridiculous list some day. God, i used to be such a prude!) I've been cheating myself of a lot. I know it's tough, reaching out. But i want to. There's so much i've lost, along the way. I want all of it back. Maybe i don't feel as much as i used to. But i want to. I want to count my blessings again.

I've been thinking, would a child be better off being streetsmart, or retaining that innocence, that blind faith in all things good?

P.S. I know, i probably swallowed a whole volume of Anderson's fairytales as a kid!

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