January 28, 2013

I hope you know..

I grieve you, in odd moments that take me by surprise. It's just been a while since you left us and went your way. A month ago, i told Shyam i'd never get over this, that i'd grieve you forever. But i've realized that i can't do it. You are the reason i am me. Not the sniffly, art loving dreamer... that i owe to mom..but the book reading, literary reference quoting, brooding person who is stubborn as hell.

I do not grieve in the conventional sense. For i find myself learning to deal with death while waiting for life to overwhelm me. I miss you terribly, more for the grandchild you'll never play with. I started out with anger, but then i have known life to be unfair before. This is the deepest i've been hurt so far.

I'm past that phase where i feel emotionally numb. I remember you and all the stories you have given me, without regret, at times. I sometimes wish i could go back in time, i wish i had spent some more time with you, wish we'd fought less and laughed more. Wishes apart, i cherish everything you've gifted me. You've been there for me. For every single thing. I know now, what it takes to be a parent. What it means to care so much that you fight for your kids to have everything you couldn't. You've given me the freedom to choose the life i wanted to live, you've been there to support me in all my decisions. You've given me the courage to face the world, live life on my terms. Without having to worry what others thought. When everyone advised me against my choice of degree and career, you were the only one who told me that i could be whatever i wanted to as long as i knew i'd be good at it. I hope to be that kind of parent.

We miss you. Those moments especially, when we'd tease you and you'd pretend to be angry, while trying your best not to laugh. Your letters, and that poem you wrote me when i hadn't yet learnt to read. Our love of Potter. Our fights over my idea of marriage. It took you seven years to convince me, and you were ready to wait. That and a hundred silly things. I hope you knew what you are for me. The best dad ever.
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  1. I'm terribly sorry kutty! Please be ok. Be strong. And let Sam pamper you to bits.

    1. I am okay, girl. And yes, he does pamper me silly. :)