December 3, 2012


I wonder how you're gonna be. All these months, I've been so preoccupied with family and other soul-sucking've been an abstraction so long. But now, over the months, you've made your presence felt. You've let me know that yes, you are a part of me, undeniably. And though I've always been open to this idea, trust me, I wasn't ready for this. These moodswings that leave me exhilarated one moment, and tired and depressed the next. I thought love was everything stormlike. You are more than that, I realize. You are us, and love, and everything magical.

There's nothing on earth so beautiful, so heart constricting, nothing that's reached out so deep into my soul. Other than him. But the fact that you are me and him put together, it makes me warm and fuzzy. I'm supposed to think good, say good, do good. And though I am being unfair to you, you understand right, that I've been at my worst these last few months. Who would know better than you? Do you mind? I hope not. And I certainly hope you do not take after me. I wouldn't want that. Well, maybe just a little bit.

I hope you're like him, innocence and worldliness combined. Innocent and childlike when happy, and insufferably right at all other times. That hurt look on his face when I say something caustic, i must admit, i find it adorable. He pretends to be all insensitive, but doesn't realize that all the times he takes his mask off, I'm around. It does warm my heart, to love someone so sweet. And then there's that zeal, to know more and be more. That enthusiasm when I, to my consternation, unwittingly get him started on some documentary about cannibals, or some other random topic. All I can do is be thankful, that I'm with someone who knows what he's talking about. Whatever the topic. His ambition and his love of all things artistic and soulful.

I love it that him and me, we connect on some level that neither of us has been able to figure out. That inexplicable feeling that's kept my soul singing, all this while. Nothing makes my day like him coming home to me. That something makes me sure that you be like him.

Most of all, I hope you inherit that goodness that lies beyond the mask of cynicism. That innate goodness that shines through, in all his tales about childhood, and dreams, and sometimes, disappointment.

I hope you receive as inheritance, a little bit of goodness, from both sisters too. His and mine. Mine for being what she is to me, for being my rock when I've lost faith. For being more than what a brother could be. His sister, for her strength and kindness, for the kind of person she is.

I know I want you to have my best friend's optimism, my mom's heart, a little bit of craziness like my uncles, or my goddaughter's smartness. I want all that and so much more.

Lastly, I want you to have my wide-eyed wonder and love of everything around. I want you to laugh at silly dogs, and mimic cats and donkeys. I want you to be naive. Maybe, not as naive as I was, growing up. I'm no longer sure of the world, but i want you to be so. I want you to take it on with courage I never had. I want you to be able to not just think the right thing, but also do it, and mostly be able to take care of yourself. No matter where you go or who you be, i want you to remain yourself and not be one of those kids who grow up too fast for their own good. I want you to be a child as long as you can.

Maybe, you'll be none of this....maybe matter what, you do know right, that you already have an inheritance greater than all of this...