December 3, 2012

Momentous

I wonder how you're gonna be. All these months, I've been so preoccupied with family and other soul-sucking issues...you've been an abstraction so long. But now, over the months, you've made your presence felt. You've let me know that yes, you are a part of me, undeniably. And though I've always been open to this idea, trust me, I wasn't ready for this. These moodswings that leave me exhilarated one moment, and tired and depressed the next. I thought love was everything stormlike. You are more than that, I realize. You are us, and love, and everything magical.

There's nothing on earth so beautiful, so heart constricting, nothing that's reached out so deep into my soul. Other than him. But the fact that you are me and him put together, it makes me warm and fuzzy. I'm supposed to think good, say good, do good. And though I am being unfair to you, you understand right, that I've been at my worst these last few months. Who would know better than you? Do you mind? I hope not. And I certainly hope you do not take after me. I wouldn't want that. Well, maybe just a little bit.

I hope you're like him, innocence and worldliness combined. Innocent and childlike when happy, and insufferably right at all other times. That hurt look on his face when I say something caustic, i must admit, i find it adorable. He pretends to be all insensitive, but doesn't realize that all the times he takes his mask off, I'm around. It does warm my heart, to love someone so sweet. And then there's that zeal, to know more and be more. That enthusiasm when I, to my consternation, unwittingly get him started on some documentary about cannibals, or some other random topic. All I can do is be thankful, that I'm with someone who knows what he's talking about. Whatever the topic. His ambition and his love of all things artistic and soulful.

I love it that him and me, we connect on some level that neither of us has been able to figure out. That inexplicable feeling that's kept my soul singing, all this while. Nothing makes my day like him coming home to me. That something makes me sure that you be like him.

Most of all, I hope you inherit that goodness that lies beyond the mask of cynicism. That innate goodness that shines through, in all his tales about childhood, and dreams, and sometimes, disappointment.

I hope you receive as inheritance, a little bit of goodness, from both sisters too. His and mine. Mine for being what she is to me, for being my rock when I've lost faith. For being more than what a brother could be. His sister, for her strength and kindness, for the kind of person she is.

I know I want you to have my best friend's optimism, my mom's heart, a little bit of craziness like my uncles, or my goddaughter's smartness. I want all that and so much more.

Lastly, I want you to have my wide-eyed wonder and love of everything around. I want you to laugh at silly dogs, and mimic cats and donkeys. I want you to be naive. Maybe, not as naive as I was, growing up. I'm no longer sure of the world, but i want you to be so. I want you to take it on with courage I never had. I want you to be able to not just think the right thing, but also do it, and mostly be able to take care of yourself. No matter where you go or who you be, i want you to remain yourself and not be one of those kids who grow up too fast for their own good. I want you to be a child as long as you can.

Maybe, you'll be none of this....maybe some..no matter what, you do know right, that you already have an inheritance greater than all of this...

October 23, 2012

One

A year since you called me by name and led me home. It’s been a journey so momentous that I find it difficult to believe that a year has already passed us by. Same time last year, I remember following you around the dais wondering if everyone could hear my heart’s furious tempo. It was just sinking in that I was yours from that moment. It still is. Sometimes I look at you, when you’re busy composing scathing mails on your BB and wonder how it is that you managed to find me. You with your temper, and your integrity and that bone-deep decency. You make me believe in things I’d long given up on. You make me believe in myself. I admit, the tears are something out of my control, but many a time, it is because you make me feel so much. I have stepped in love so many times…but never completely fallen. And now, when we discuss how it is to be in love, in those sleepy conversations we have at night, I realize that there has never been anything like this…


I stood by your bed
and watched the sheets rise gently.
I knew what slant of light
would make you turn over.
It was then I felt
the highways slide out of my hands.
I remembered the old men
in the west side cafe,
dealing dominoes like magical charms.
It was then I knew,
like a woman looking backward,
I could not leave you,
or find anyone I loved more.

(San Antonio, Naomi Shihab Nye)

As expressive as I am, I don’t know if I’ve told you this, you make me laugh. Not just when we’re together, but also when I think of all the silly things you do. It drives me giddy when your smile is aimed at me. Sometimes all you have to do is give me that look of yours, when I say something extremely stupid, and I find laughter bubble up in me. Your temper and my silliness, make for crazy days. And there are nights when, inspite of what we promised each other, we refuse to make amends and just let silence build a wall. But looking back, this year has been special. Like you say, we’re one of those couples who’re taking it slow. But I know for sure, we’re gonna end up like the Good Knight couple, quibbling over the silliest of things. I am looking forward to that.

Thank you, for you. You take my world, and sprinkle fairy dust on it, not the kind that turns to rust on sunrise, but the kind that makes everything it touches glow. I cannot say much of the coming years, except that every moment I spend with you becomes worthwhile. And now we have something that is much more precious than all the laughter and love we have known. Thank you for giving me this priceless treasure.

When the nightingales have sung their songs
And the summer has bid goodbye
When the paths are scattered with golden leaves
When the sun casts slivers of light, through trees

I have your whispers safe with me,
those dreams you talk of in the dark
For, do you know how much it means to me,
That you can open up your heart.

When there is darkness all around
You can count on me to stay, within your arms
Or better, we can curl up, as one
In blankets we've woven with stories and stars.

I have you, and you have me,
To complete these stories,
The ones we create in the dark.
And that is what I wish to celebrate, each day
That is why; this is simply not a date.

October 11, 2012



I have walked through alleys,

and dark subways

That invited me in, with whispers of dreams.

Dreams they knew were dear to me,

Dreams I had dreamt of you.



I have walked tightropes,

edges of cliffs,

let go of my fears,

In the hope that you would come calling.



I have delved into dark dreams,

Dared to lose myself

Talked about my darkest summer nights

When there was no one to listen.



I have known loneliness

And lived with it,

Letting it fill me,

With shades of grey

Till i knew no one, and no one knew me.



I have written about memories

No one knows are real

And waited for the half-closed door

To bring your tidings.



Just when I had stopped

Searching for your face

In the crowd i was lost in

I heard you call out..



You found me, just when i stopped looking

And turns out,I never had to search.

For you, of the shy smile

Told me, with your eyes

That you would have found me, anyway.

September 17, 2012

Barfi!

Barfi is a dream in a bubble, as magical as the scenes that make it whole. This movie was created because it is a story someone desperately wanted to tell. Each frame, you see, has been created with such love and tenderness. More than a movie, it is an ode to dreams and laughter and love, unsullied. The story is so heartrendingly poignant that you cannot help but be pulled into it. You want to be there, live with the characters. You want to be like Barfi, take things as it comes and let life happen to you. For isn't life always right? You finally do reach where you were meant to be. No matter how tough the journey is. I love stories that speak of love. No cheap gimmicks, no lengthy tirades, no profession of glory. Just love. Barfi does that; it wraps around your heart like cottony clouds over green fields on an overcast day, and fills you with such longing and happiness. There are butterflies and fireflies, wide open fields and hand drawn carts; there is background music, and there are dancers in costumes. More than anything, the landscape leaves you breathless, and you want it all. You want to ride in those trains in Darjeeling, you want to watch the sun set over Howrah bridge, and you want to roam the busy streets of Kolkata.

And the emotions, well, they just take you by surprise. There is an underlying tone of pathos, but it's woven in so beautifully that even as you watch Barfi mourn his dad, or nurse his broken heart, you cannot help but smile. By the time he finally finds the one person he knows will be his forever, you have a lump in your throat, and you want this to be true. You know he will survive no matter what, but still you want this happy ending. For isn't this how life moves on. With twists of fate that you outlive, knowing that life has more to give you.

Even as I try hard to figure out why he would fall in love with an autistic girl who seems to trust
him more than anyone, I know. Love doesn't seek reasons. It is not something you plan. The beauty of this movie is that it is utterly devoid of cynicism. I know stories like this, I've dreamed
them up. A world so empty of bitterness and practicality, it makes you believe. Well, it
certainly did make me believe once again. We often argue, and possibly prove our point when
we talk about love. Love needs to be practical. Else, all we'll be left with is a lifetime of misery.
Isn't that what we convince ourselves? We cheat ourselves, don't we? Why can't it be the silent
comfort of knowing that no matter how tough it gets, there is someone who'll sleep with their
finger entwined with yours, someone who will brighten your day by shining mirrors at you, or
welcome you wholeheartedly when you're back? Isn't love that longing to be welcomed home, that urge to play the fool so that you hear loud laughter, those silly little things you dream up to
make each day worthwhile. And mostly, the sweet comfort of knowing you're cherished.

Barfi is a fairytale crafted beautifully, with humor and sweetness. Stories like this have no purpose, they are created by people who love the idea of life.
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September 14, 2012

fifty nine

While i sit here
Sifting my thoughts
My thousand moods
Flying at you
Like an exaltation of larks.
I watch you dodge them
And i hope,
You'd catch but one.

There is so much i say
When i leave things unsaid
So much i hold inside
When i tell it all.
We could be perfect,
Like the dreams we see
But then i would miss you teasing me
And you would miss me, wooing you.

Do the long lazy nights and silliness matter anymore?
Do sulking and laughter become us?
Maybe, when i am old and grey
I'd still play games with you.
Tell you you're wrong, after cheating at chess
Or just watch you rage, when i steal your thoughts.
Tease you over your funny sneezes
Outdrink you maybe, and still be fine.

Maybe, i would want to
Make up for lost days
Through fifty nine monsoons, with nights storylike.
Maybe i would bore you, maybe add spice
But hope you know this, the years, they promise to be nice
Like the girl who claims to be so,
Night after night.
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June 27, 2012

May 28, 2012

before you


I remember
Waking up to murky mornings
Skies all sullen, my heart alight
The time of year I love best
Expectant and wildly dreamy
A hint of romance in the air.

I love watching the rainclouds
Gather outside my tiny windows
I watch them huddle
Over the fields, and the trees
Just like me, they wait
With arms wide open.

There's loneliness here, something
I've grown to love.
Madness and desire
Which I've known with you.
The rain has always been
My long, long wait for you.
For every time it rains
It fills me with a deep, dark longing
I've always associated with you.

Even when I didn't know you
I've known, that you were out there
Somewhere
Singing in the rain, just as I was
Arms outstretched, and heart wide open.
A little bit of dark, and a dash of crazy too
I have felt your poetry,
Turn my insides to mush
On dark, cloudy mornings like this.
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May 6, 2012

sigh

When you hear him yawn while he's bathing, an hour after he's woken up, and find it cute as hell..
When he smiles at you and your heart does a disco..
When you find him incredibly sexy with his two day old stubble..
When you blush because he's teasing you over the phone..
When he drives you crazy with his dumb songs and you can't help but laugh..
When his eyes meet yours across a crowded platform, and the world ceases to exist..
When he makes you feel a thousand emotions at once..
When the little things he does make your heart feel like it's gonna burst with happiness..
When you feel thankful every single day, for what you have, inspite of the thunderclouds and storms..
When he's there by your side, silently, through the tantrums and the drama..
When you know he'll read this and rag you, and you're not afraid of it...
...you just know.
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May 1, 2012

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the
north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred
feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you
may know the secrets of your heart, and in that
knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all
of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but
from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let
these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its
melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of
love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in
your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
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March 30, 2012

all along

It hauls me out of bed every morning, raps me on my head when I'm daydreaming. I let it build up. Even the waterworks don't help sometimes. Dread still clutches at my heart with its hideous, bony fingers, never quite letting loose. It makes my throat dry, and I picture terror in all its forms.

I seek escape.

I want to let this tiredness, that has been holding me down, seep out and dissolve in the ground. I open my eyes and see the trees; they have laid out a carpet of gold for me. Now I'm walking, and I feel the leaves crunch, like eggshells, underneath my feet. I've been so scared to tread on them all along. But I'm loving this feeling, walking on eggshells. This crunch is music to my ears.

The sky is a hue of crimson, and I sit still, till dusk descends and colors me blue. The blue of seas that have stories to tell, the blue of mystery and dreams, the blue of darkness. It soaks in, through numb veins and dying dreams. Darkness, with its age old charm, fills my soul like music. It hums a lullaby only I can hear. I sit still, while the world revolves around me. For a while I am Persephone, seduced by all that this darkness has to offer. I feel myself drown,
darkness slowly sucking out my soul.

And then, you overwhelm my senses. I see you through the fog, my senses heady with the fragrance of you. Darkness urges me to stay, but I yearn for the laughter, the hurt and the aching
tenderness that is us. Dark fades away, as you sift it out of me and bring me back. I don't know what
it is, but the moment your soul calls out to mine, I realize I can never drown. The light is harsh, but when I look at you through the haze, I see myself in your eyes. Too often have I run from you, scared of everything you offered. Darkness, with
promises of solitude, charmed me. I mistook it for happiness. But now I've tasted this bittersweet
emotion your love fills me with, and I know I never belonged anywhere else. Even on the
darkest of nights, I have sought you. My silent dreams have waited in yearning, for stars that were you. You, my light, my lover, have been in me all along.
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March 27, 2012

again

words fall
like ashes from cigarettes
and i am left
wanting for more.
there's this despondency
this hint of madness in me,
when you, with that wistful nod,
refuse to let me in.

and i wait again,
for the sun to melt
my frozen world.
i think i understand
why you cannot open these doors,
the way you understand
what lies beyond mine.

and there will be days
it won't rain
when the wind will
no longer howl
there will be days
with no poetry
or the fire of
all-consuming desire.

do let go then,
and tell me of your dreams
as i lie beside you
in wide open fields
and let me weave in stars
again, in our forgotten skies.
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March 26, 2012

it's a long wait
and being away
doesn't compare
to being with you.
shadows fade
my nights sparkle
with the sound
of your laughter.
there has never been
there never will be
anything this sweet,
this delightful.
for everyday
you gift me
moments, to
make up memories.
you give me
the darkest dreams,
and my tears you kiss away
with the softest songs.

if i could know
why you found me or how
i would rejoice, no doubt
but these hints you leave
so that i never know
give me far more to smile.
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February 20, 2012

mine

and some days
all i can do is
wait
for you
to come home
to me
and some days
all i can do is
wait
for you
to be mine
again
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February 16, 2012

embrace

There's this certain restlessness
That grips me
Day in, day out
I wait for its arms to unfold
Leave me, as i was.

And in this hope, i lie
I wait
My soul in the dark
Flighty as ever.

It is me i seek
As i lay bound
Dreaming of forest floors
Vines entwining my feet.

I'm scattered, into million pieces
Can't get myself together
Cannot stop foggy thoughts
From moving towards insanity

And then i wait, the binds come free
And i am held tight again
My head rests against steady beats
And i am breathing again
My forest floors and vines in bloom
Have come to life
And just like that my restlessness bids farewell, and i sleep.
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February 4, 2012

change

an inexplicable hint of sadness
i glimpse in her eyes.
have i not seen it before?
has it always been there?

in her smiles, and her laughter
and her dreams of everafter,
in her sinful tales of magic
and her sunlit desolation.

she has believed in it too much
to say it does not exist,
she has lived in it too long
to walk out and be sane.

her heartbeats sound like raindrops
on an old forgotten roof,
her laughter tastes like cloves
and a remembrance of giddy youth.

all she was and ever will be
is written in your eyes,
she can pretend all she wants
all you have to do is look,
and she remembers how to fly.
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January 25, 2012

Peppermints and Green Soda Bottles

So i'm here, sitting at this eye clinic. I just saw a very sweet grandpa. It's moments like this that make me tear up without reason. I miss grandpa. My loud, wacky, ever cheerful grandpa. With his gazillion adventures and surprises.

You know how all the ads and books make childhood out to be some treasure chest of nostalgia. Well, every memory connected to grandpa still has that magic about it. Grandpa's given me so much.

Lazy summer afternoons with his pets, a new one every summer. Laughter and mischief. Sneaking away from mom for a day to enjoy all those forbidden delights. Playing with fluffy rabbits,exploring old ponds, soda and lime at the thattukada...in those green bottles with blue marble like stoppers, late night movies at the neighbourhood theatre, peppermints and stick-on tattoos...ah.

Every kid needs a grandpa who'll teach her to laugh out loud, show her how amazing the world around can be and surprise her with life again and again. And most of all, give her childhood wings. Wings that will stay on, even after she's completely jaded. The only reason i regret not marrying early, my kids(yeah, someday) missed knowing someone so full of joy.
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January 19, 2012

it's like this..

it's like
when you
and i
sit
across each other
words come alive
dance
on the tabletop
everything commonplace
becomes delightful
you're like that platter
full of sweet
i gorge on
and never tire
and when you,
my lips meet
i hear
a hundred harps.
there are fireworks
in my heart
when your eyes
meet mine
across the room
and i swear
i hear
my dreams
sigh
when your soul
tugs at mine.
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