change

an inexplicable hint of sadness
i glimpse in her eyes.
have i not seen it before?
has it always been there?

in her smiles, and her laughter
and her dreams of everafter,
in her sinful tales of magic
and her sunlit desolation.

she has believed in it too much
to say it does not exist,
she has lived in it too long
to walk out and be sane.

her heartbeats sound like raindrops
on an old forgotten roof,
her laughter tastes like cloves
and a remembrance of giddy youth.

all she was and ever will be
is written in your eyes,
she can pretend all she wants
all you have to do is look,
and she remembers how to fly.

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Peppermints and Green Soda Bottles

So i'm here, sitting at this eye clinic. I just saw a very sweet grandpa. It's moments like this that make me tear up without reason. I miss grandpa. My loud, wacky, ever cheerful grandpa. With his gazillion adventures and surprises.

You know how all the ads and books make childhood out to be some treasure chest of nostalgia. Well, every memory connected to grandpa still has that magic about it. Grandpa's given me so much.

Lazy summer afternoons with his pets, a new one every summer. Laughter and mischief. Sneaking away from mom for a day to enjoy all those forbidden delights. Playing with fluffy rabbits,exploring old ponds, soda and lime at the thattukada...in those green bottles with blue marble like stoppers, late night movies at the neighbourhood theatre, peppermints and stick-on tattoos...ah.

Every kid needs a grandpa who'll teach her to laugh out loud, show her how amazing the world around can be and surprise her with life again and again. And most of all, give her childhood wings. Wings that will stay on, even after she's completely jaded. The only reason i regret not marrying early, my kids(yeah, someday) missed knowing someone so full of joy.

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it's like this..

it's like
when you
and i
sit
across each other
words come alive
dance
on the tabletop
everything commonplace
becomes delightful
you're like that platter
full of sweet
i gorge on
and never tire
and when you,
my lips meet
i hear
a hundred harps.
there are fireworks
in my heart
when your eyes
meet mine
across the room
and i swear
i hear
my dreams
sigh
when your soul
tugs at mine.

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things i don't tell you

...that i love watching you sleep
your cynic all defenseless
your mask no longer in place;
that i often hide and watch
when you wait, impatiently for me
worry written across your face;
that my heart skips countless beats
when you look down at me
and with your eyes, laugh;
that your touch makes me grin
makes my heart do a dance
and i'm alive again.
these are things i won't tell you
because you already know too much
you already see too much
and i'd be a fool to admit
that i have no control over
this silly thing called my heart
since you have called me by name.

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admitting

and sometimes all she wants
is the murmur of your heart
against her ear
telling her she's wilful
telling her she she's mad,
telling her she's wrong
but she's everything you want.

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familiar

There's something so familiar about you..
Like the crows cackling on my backyard fence
Or the busy bees that drone
Like the scent of lemon in the breeze
Or the leaves quibbling, at every chance.

I know this feeling you make me feel
It's something that's lived with me
It's a song i have sung before
Without quite getting the lines..

On summer's eves when time was mine
When everything was drowsily divine
I have lived your stories
Through days and years and lives.

Before i knew of doubt and hurt
I have heard your smiles
I have lived on dreams of you
Even before you were mine.

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feeling right

Why do we build walls? Drive people away? Just let things slide? There comes a point in life where you know you don't need anyone any longer. You've become so jaded, the only person you trust is you. Even those closest to you form just the outer circle. It's safe right, being by your own! Kind of liberating. There's this weird headiness cynicism brings along. I've inherited it, bit by bit, from parents who wanted me to be independent, from friends who left. Abandonment issues, but all that changed after i learnt to shut people out. And that's precisely when everyone said i've changed. Arrogance, more often than not, is a mask. And sometimes, you just don't want to take the mask off.

So, i've been there, tried that. It works. It's awesome. Could've made it a way of life. But not when i know i deserve more. Hell yes! (Swearing used to be on my taboo list. Mean to post that ridiculous list some day. God, i used to be such a prude!) I've been cheating myself of a lot. I know it's tough, reaching out. But i want to. There's so much i've lost, along the way. I want all of it back. Maybe i don't feel as much as i used to. But i want to. I want to count my blessings again.

I've been thinking, would a child be better off being streetsmart, or retaining that innocence, that blind faith in all things good?

P.S. I know, i probably swallowed a whole volume of Anderson's fairytales as a kid!

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